If your 15 year old self was offered a free spray tan on a hot saturday afternoon, you probably would have said no, right? What about if you had been offered $1 to eat some expired spam? Still no? Well, any logical person would have said no, but me? Of course not. You see, I have weird issue with telling people “no”. I still lack understanding on the subject, but it sure has gotten me into some awful situations. Part of me lacks the willpower to say no in hopes that I don’t disappoint anyone. I go to such lengths to make sure other people are happy, even when that means sacrificing my own happiness or well being. It’s definitely something I still have to work on, but it isn’t as easy as it seems.
When I think of telling someone “no”, my mind immediately goes to hatred and impending doom. I have no idea why, and I probably couldn’t explain it to you, but that’s what happens. When I say “impending doom”, it’s definitely what you imagine. Dark clouds, thunder, and someone quaking in their boots. It seems dramatic, and well, it is, but my mind has tricked me into thinking that this would be my reality as soon as those two little letters slip through my lips.
But WHY can’t I? It really is a simple thing. Part of it is fear. The fear that I may upset someone. The fear that they won’t like me because I don’t want to do it. While I type this very post, they all sound so silly. But in the moment, it’s such a heavy weight on my chest, that it would be easier for me to do something I don’t want to, than to tell someone I care for “no”.
I also fear what people might think of me, or how they percieve me. I don’t want to be seen as someone who’s no fun, but I also don’t want to put myself in undesirable situations. It’s a weird and unforgiving cycle. The instant I say no to someone I feel as if they’re upset with me. Even if there are NO signs that they even care, I still think they do. It’s a mess, honestly. Part of the blame definitely falls on my anxiety.
I’ve started to understand bits and pieces of this inability. Lately, I’ve been pushing myself to try new things. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve wanted to test my limits, try bigger and better things, and try things outside of my comfort zone. These things often get mixed up between “wait, I don’t want to do this” and “oh come on, what’s the worst that could happen?” And you know what that gets you? An orange tinted, uneven, streaky spray tan. Yikes.
Don’t get me wrong though! Not being able to say no has let me discover some amazing things! I discovered that I LOVE yoga, pink doesn’t look that bad on me, and I have a loving and supportive family.
Saying no should not be a hard thing, and although I’ve worked on it a lot, I’ve still got a ways to go. I’m looking forward to the awful situations I get put in for the rest of the year. At least I’ll have something to write about ;).